life and stuff

I wrote a big thing but it all got deleted. My main point was I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was 14 and I’m in college now. I self harmed for years and often thought about suicide. There were days where I honestly thought it was my last and that it was it was the last time I’d see my school, friends and family. But whenever I cut I was never able to go deep enough because of the pain. I absolutely hated myself for it. Like despised myself. All I wanted was for this feeling to go away and to be ok so I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just do it. I spent a lot of time crying. I eventually got help, a therapist and medication. And it helps a good amount but the feeling never goes away. The tiredness and defeat is always with me. I sometimes feel like I used to. My anxiety and depression have never left me and I don’t think they ever will. I’ve learned to live with it. I hate my body, I have severe social anxiety, I lack motivation and I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m a virgin and in college which I am so embarrassed of I hate it. I feel like no guy could ever like me like that let alone love me. I don’t even love myself. And I’m also awkward af. Point is, I’m here still. Still figuring out why but I am.